What about this example?
What a waste of time and money, worthless, he thinks.
The text in italics is an internal thought. You can use italics for this or single ' marks correct? I like italics better. Do I treat this like it was in quotes then? Comma replacing the period. Do I have to add, he thinks? Or is it clear being italicized?
0
Intro to short story re-write
Started by thealtruismsociety, Apr 06 2011 02:22 AM
25 replies to this topic
#21
-
- Members
-
- 624 posts
Advanced Member
- Gender:Male
- Location:Maryland
- Interests:Back to basics.
Posted 07 April 2011 - 08:34 PM
#22
-
- Members
-
- 4,345 posts
Ultimate Poster
- Gender:Male
- Location:The Glorious Bronx
Posted 08 April 2011 - 12:23 AM
thealtruismsociety, on 07 April 2011 - 08:34 PM, said:
What about this example?
What a waste of time and money, worthless, he thinks.
The text in italics is an internal thought. You can use italics for this or single ' marks correct? I like italics better. Do I treat this like it was in quotes then? Comma replacing the period. Do I have to add, he thinks? Or is it clear being italicized?
What a waste of time and money, worthless, he thinks.
The text in italics is an internal thought. You can use italics for this or single ' marks correct? I like italics better. Do I treat this like it was in quotes then? Comma replacing the period. Do I have to add, he thinks? Or is it clear being italicized?
What a waste of time and money, worthless.
or
"What a waste of time and money, worthless," he thinks.
If you put dialog in italics there's no point in adding "he thinks". But that's a stylistic point.
- Thoth.
#23
-
- Members
-
- 20 posts
Member
- Gender:Male
- Location:Piedmont, NC
- Interests:Writing Novels (or pretty much anything), reading, traveling, listening to music, dining & spirits.
Posted 08 April 2011 - 07:13 PM
thealtruismsociety, on 07 April 2011 - 08:34 PM, said:
What about this example?
What a waste of time and money, worthless, he thinks.
The text in italics is an internal thought. You can use italics for this or single ' marks correct? I like italics better. Do I treat this like it was in quotes then? Comma replacing the period. Do I have to add, he thinks? Or is it clear being italicized?
What a waste of time and money, worthless, he thinks.
The text in italics is an internal thought. You can use italics for this or single ' marks correct? I like italics better. Do I treat this like it was in quotes then? Comma replacing the period. Do I have to add, he thinks? Or is it clear being italicized?
Italics works for internal thoughts, I would pick one thought or the other:
What a waste of time and money.
or just simply, and maybe more effective:
Worthless.
Because both thoughts are very similar. When in doubt... less is more. The "he thinks" is just fine. But sometimes you don't need the "he thinks". Just be consistent in your story so as to not confuse the reader.
At least that's my opinion.
—JMK
#24
-
- Members
-
- 4 posts
Newbie
Posted 26 April 2011 - 01:48 AM
Hello--
This is my first post but I've been lurking and read the rough you posted way back when.
For dramatic reasons I'd be very tempted to lose everything you possibly could cut before "There's not much time." Everything before it just sets the scene (the lab we are leaving and the building to which we do not return) and is not necessary. Maybe retain enough description giving us a sense of place and the urgency. Also it seems as if he is being chased for part, and then not. (The word "persuers," I guess)
The other thing I'd strongly consider is to change the POV from omniscient to 3rd person limited. The omniscient narrator gives the piece an old fashioned feel, Edger Alan Poe-y almost. (Poe-y? You get what I mean, right?) 3rd person limited will enable you to play with things more and the reader gets to feel what Escher is feeling. He reaches for the doorknob and it slips from his sweaty grasp; he moves down the hall and we know at least part of his reason, he must get outside... (Why? I'll keep reading to find out!) With 3rd person limited, "falls on deaf ears" is not an issue because we know Escher's mind is on something else (or maybe he's so freaked out it's blank) and what they have to say is unimportant. You will be able to indicate this and add to the mystery of what is driving Escher's actions and keep us reading to find the answer. You can use the fact that he doesn't listen to his lab workers as a cue that something is amiss, heightening tension. You could adding more revolving door type details (excellent, by the way.)
You might also enrich the opening by having the details reflect Escher's state of mind: his lab coat is askew, he leaves the lab door open (in too much of a hurry to close it --also adds weird tension for the reader. "Why didn't he bother to shut the door?") That sort of thing.
Did I pick to much? I hope not! Your story has a nice twist at the end and I, as a reader, want to be closer to it for more emotional impact. I don't want to watch Escher, I want to be Escher (Well, at least until the end!)
Thanks for reading my comments. I hope you find something helpful.
Rocki
This is my first post but I've been lurking and read the rough you posted way back when.
For dramatic reasons I'd be very tempted to lose everything you possibly could cut before "There's not much time." Everything before it just sets the scene (the lab we are leaving and the building to which we do not return) and is not necessary. Maybe retain enough description giving us a sense of place and the urgency. Also it seems as if he is being chased for part, and then not. (The word "persuers," I guess)
The other thing I'd strongly consider is to change the POV from omniscient to 3rd person limited. The omniscient narrator gives the piece an old fashioned feel, Edger Alan Poe-y almost. (Poe-y? You get what I mean, right?) 3rd person limited will enable you to play with things more and the reader gets to feel what Escher is feeling. He reaches for the doorknob and it slips from his sweaty grasp; he moves down the hall and we know at least part of his reason, he must get outside... (Why? I'll keep reading to find out!) With 3rd person limited, "falls on deaf ears" is not an issue because we know Escher's mind is on something else (or maybe he's so freaked out it's blank) and what they have to say is unimportant. You will be able to indicate this and add to the mystery of what is driving Escher's actions and keep us reading to find the answer. You can use the fact that he doesn't listen to his lab workers as a cue that something is amiss, heightening tension. You could adding more revolving door type details (excellent, by the way.)
You might also enrich the opening by having the details reflect Escher's state of mind: his lab coat is askew, he leaves the lab door open (in too much of a hurry to close it --also adds weird tension for the reader. "Why didn't he bother to shut the door?") That sort of thing.
Did I pick to much? I hope not! Your story has a nice twist at the end and I, as a reader, want to be closer to it for more emotional impact. I don't want to watch Escher, I want to be Escher (Well, at least until the end!)
Thanks for reading my comments. I hope you find something helpful.
Rocki
#25
-
- Members
-
- 4 posts
Newbie
Posted 26 April 2011 - 01:56 AM
Hi,
Me again. By cutting I mean to say that the phrase, "There's not much time," (spoken or thought) is a killer opening line. The killer part should be right at the beginning. Don't make me work for it. I'm a reader, I'm lazy
If you don't want to cut, you could also rejigger things so that he says or thinks it first, before we even know his name.
Just at thought.
Rocki
Me again. By cutting I mean to say that the phrase, "There's not much time," (spoken or thought) is a killer opening line. The killer part should be right at the beginning. Don't make me work for it. I'm a reader, I'm lazy
If you don't want to cut, you could also rejigger things so that he says or thinks it first, before we even know his name.Just at thought.
Rocki
#26
-
- Members
-
- 624 posts
Advanced Member
- Gender:Male
- Location:Maryland
- Interests:Back to basics.
Posted 26 April 2011 - 04:28 AM
Hey thanks for the suggestions. I'll take them to heart. 
1 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users
