25 replies to this topic

[thealtruismsociety]

Anything glaring?


Dr. Charles Escher bolts from his lab, slamming the door behind him. Thin and lean, he wears a white overcoat, pristine in appearance. He increases his stride and rounds a corner as the lab door swings open again. Several of his assistants spill into the hallway, shouting his name.

"Dr. Escher?" His pursuers cry.

Their call falls on deaf ears--Charles is gone. He knows the building well, escaping his pursuers with ease. He slips through the hallways, then descends the stairwell to the ground floor of Stitch Enterprises. Upon reaching the lobby, he makes for the front entrance. His shoes--clacking sharp on the foyer tile--betray his presence. Charles purses his lips while glancing at his watch.

"Not much time at all." He whispers.

Charles pushes through the revolving door--a rotating gateway between the world of his research, and the world soon to be affected by it.

[Thoth]

thealtruismsociety, on 06 April 2011 - 02:22 AM, said:

Anything glaring?


Dr. Charles Escher bolts from his lab, slamming the door behind him. Thin and lean, he wears a white overcoat, pristine in appearance. He increases his stride and rounds a corner as the lab door swings open again. Several of his assistants spill into the hallway, shouting his name.

"Dr. Escher?" His pursuers cry.

Their call falls on deaf ears--Charles is gone. He knows the building well, escaping his pursuers with ease. He slips through the hallways, then descends the stairwell to the ground floor of Stitch Enterprises. Upon reaching the lobby, he makes for the front entrance. His shoes--clacking sharp on the foyer tile--betray his presence. Charles purses his lips while glancing at his watch.

"Not much time at all." He whispers.

Charles pushes through the revolving door--a rotating gateway between the world of his research, and the world soon to be affected by it.

The phrase "falls on deaf ears" is a little hackneyed. It also implies that he is ignoring his pursuers yet you then say he is "escaping his pursuers" implying that he is deliberately fleeing them. Maybe it's just a style thing.

I also think you use commas where they're not needed. E.g. "...a rotating gateway between the world of his research, and the world soon to be affected by it." (I do that too.)

Other than that, nothing glaring.
- Thoth

[thealtruismsociety]

Thoth, on 06 April 2011 - 06:42 AM, said:

The phrase "falls on deaf ears" is a little hackneyed. It also implies that he is ignoring his pursuers yet you then say he is "escaping his pursuers" implying that he is deliberately fleeing them. Maybe it's just a style thing.

I also think you use commas where they're not needed. E.g. "...a rotating gateway between the world of his research, and the world soon to be affected by it." (I do that too.)

Other than that, nothing glaring.
- Thoth

Hmm by deaf ears I ment he's not there anymore to hear the cries. Ears not in the area to hear something would be deaf to a sound there.

[Thoth]

thealtruismsociety, on 06 April 2011 - 12:06 PM, said:

Hmm by deaf ears I ment he's not there anymore to hear the cries. Ears not in the area to hear something would be deaf to a sound there.

Got it. But I've never seen it used that way*. Perhaps your story will expand the meaning of the phrase.
Also, I don't know why I didn't notice this before but...
"Not much time at all." He whispers.
should be one sentence. (I.e., "Not much time at all," he whispers.)
I hate giving this kind of advice since English is a very flexible and continually evolving language. Writers are the engine of that change.

-Thoth

*Site on English idioms. Also, you might want to browse the idiom section of this dictionary.

[thealtruismsociety]

Ah the one sentence is good advice. I know grammatically I have a lot of errors. Im basically learning written English all over again.

[Serpententacle]

"Thin and lean" is kind of redundant.

Maybe say, "he wears a pristine white overcoat."

"With long strides he rounds..."

"Several of his assistants shout his name, spilling into the hallway."

Do you need to add " 'Dr. Escher?' His pursuers cry." since you mention the very sentence before they were shouting his name?

"falls of deaf ears" is cliché

"Knowing the building well, he easily escapes his pursuers."

"Charles purses his lips, glancing at his watch.

"a rotating gateway between his world of research, and the world soon to be affected by it"... do you intend to telegraph this statement, or will the action to follow make the reader to draw this conclusion without it being said?

[thealtruismsociety]

Serpententacle, on 06 April 2011 - 08:18 PM, said:

"Thin and lean" is kind of redundant.

Maybe say, "he wears a pristine white overcoat."

"With long strides he rounds..."

"Several of his assistants shout his name, spilling into the hallway."

Do you need to add " 'Dr. Escher?' His pursuers cry." since you mention the very sentence before they were shouting his name?

"falls of deaf ears" is cliché

"Knowing the building well, he easily escapes his pursuers."

"Charles purses his lips, glancing at his watch.

"a rotating gateway between his world of research, and the world soon to be affected by it"... do you intend to telegraph this statement, or will the action to follow make the reader to draw this conclusion without it being said?

Could be thin and bony, thin and lanky, I dunno there are many kinds of thin.

Dr. Escher as opposed to Charles - Subordinates as opposed to equals

I believe a few of the example you gave are passive voice - which I'm trying to avoid.

[thealtruismsociety]

Thoth - What about this one.

"Dr. Escher?" His pursuers cry.

Would it be

"Dr. Escher," his pursuers cry.

Do I add in a questioning tone to replace the "?"

[Marguerite]

thealtruismsociety, on 06 April 2011 - 09:41 PM, said:

Could be thin and bony, thin and lanky, I dunno there are many kinds of thin.

Dr. Escher as opposed to Charles - Subordinates as opposed to equals

I believe a few of the example you gave are passive voice - which I'm trying to avoid.

None of Serpententacle's examples are passive voice. Passive voice is used under circumstances like the beginning of this sentence, in which the subject of the sentence does not perform the action but is the object of it ("is used," as distinct from "I use passive voice when I want to hide the subject"). Academics love it (or as devoted scholars would say, "passive voice is loved by certain academics"), because they can avoid offending anyone and, they think, look neutral and detached. Fiction writers and competent nonfiction writers, academic or otherwise, avoid it. Contrary to what you may hear from some editors, a predicate (the sky is blue) is not passive voice, nor is a sentence such as "The wood cracked when the lightning struck."

There are, even so, specific circumstances in which passive voice works better than the alternatives—if you want to avoid naming the perpetrator, for example. But inappropriate uses of passive voice far outweigh such exceptions.

As to your other question, punctuation should not be doubled: "Dr. Escher?" the pursuers cry.

I agree with the "fall on deaf ears" criticism. Technically, absent ears are not deaf but absent.

And having issued my rulings like some Supreme Court Justice of Grammar, I will now confine myself to pestering my friends and relations.
Best,
M

[Marguerite]

P.S. I see you were questioning whether you should keep the ? Yes, you should. Periods become commas when all that follows is a speaker attribution. ("I went to the store," she said.) But question marks and (in moderation) exclamation marks do not.

And the periods stay if you follow the dialogue with a beat, instead: "I went to the store." She giggled, then reached for her coffee cup. "I haven't had that much fun in years."

[Thoth]

thealtruismsociety, on 06 April 2011 - 10:18 PM, said:

Thoth - What about this one.
"Dr. Escher?" His pursuers cry.
Would it be
"Dr. Escher," his pursuers cry.
Do I add in a questioning tone to replace the "?"

I think M covered it, although I question one of Justice M's rulings on stylistic grounds. I'd go with, "Dr. Escher," his pursuers cry. But perhaps your style might prefer to keep the question mark, as in, "Dr. Escher?" his pursuers cry. (Note the small "h".) You might also consider "plead" or "implore" instead of "cry", if that's what you mean.

Just remember that whether or not you keep the question mark you should try to keep your style consistent.

And now I'm going to the store for some fun coffee.
It's made with real clowns. Mwahahaha!
(Twenty-five and counting, M. )
- Thoth

[thealtruismsociety]

Good reading all. Thanks

Thanks for the calm, polite advice.

[Marguerite]

The question mark in "Dr. Escher?" does imply, btw, that the pursuers don't know whom they pursue. If they do, Thoth is right, and the comma is better.

One other comment: you may want to keep the cliché if it is Dr. Escher's cliché—that is, if it offers insight into his character. But in that case, you need enough clichés, suitably telegraphed, that the reader understands what you're doing. That's easier in a novel than a short story, and no guaranteed success even there. If you want to see it well done, read (re-read?) Agatha Christie's Murder at the Vicarage, but be aware that even a published author leading a local reading group didn't realize Christie had probably put in the clichés on purpose. So it's a tricky strategy at the best of times.

Enjoy the coffee, Thoth. Who knew the corner store was such a blast?
24 and counting,
M

[Thoth]

thealtruismsociety, on 07 April 2011 - 12:12 AM, said:

Thanks for the calm, polite advice.

We are nothing if not polite.
Of course, it's entirely possible that we are nothing and you're imagining all this.
- Thoth?

[thealtruismsociety]

The ? is a where are you.

If someone said something you don't understand and said, I'm sorry? Your tone would be questioning even if the phrase wasn't a question.

[Thoth]

thealtruismsociety, on 07 April 2011 - 12:42 AM, said:

The ? is a where are you.

Only if spoken by someone besides yourself.
- Thoth!

[Marguerite]

thealtruismsociety, on 07 April 2011 - 12:42 AM, said:

The ? is a where are you.

If someone said something you don't understand and said, I'm sorry? Your tone would be questioning even if the phrase wasn't a question.

But would you "cry" a question? Isn't "cry" loud and definitive?

That said, I think the question mark is better than "in a questioning tone," if you want to convey uncertainty.
M

[Thoth]

Marguerite, on 07 April 2011 - 02:19 AM, said:

But would you "cry" a question? Isn't "cry" loud and definitive?

Example: "Where were you?" he cried. But Marguerite's bloody blouse told her husband that she had been at the Fight Club again.

It depends on the character and the question.
Just sayin'.
- Thoth

[Marguerite]

Agreed.
Feverishly rubbing out bloodstains,
M

P.S. And thanks to TAS for starting this discussion.

[Thoth]

Marguerite, on 07 April 2011 - 01:40 PM, said:

P.S. And thanks to TAS for starting this discussion.

Yes. Thanks, TAS.
We so rarely get into a discussion of mechanics and style.
Quite refreshing.
- Thoth